AMERICA... F*CK YEAH

Um. I left France. I ran out of rent money, had my sister fly me home, and I lived at Shakespeare and Company for my last week in Paris. Quite simply, I didn't have the motivation anymore to fight to stay. I didn't find the right job, the right people, the right attitude. I've kept saying it was worth it and that I learned a lot, but it's taken me until recently to start feeling that honestly. As my first real trip outside of the country, I did something by myself, if somewhat poorly. Breaking someone's trust isn't a bad thing if they haven't earned your respect and loyalty. It's not a matter of whether or not things go the way they're supposed to--life is misshapen. It's a matter of whether or not you demand what you deserve... or keep looking.

I have a job as a nanny for a newborn. The family is great and babies are way better than kids, especially French kids! The hours are good, so I can write or find a second job if I wanted to (I don't want to right now). I'm at home with my family who just adopted two chihuahua's from a friend, so they're all happy. I spend a lot of my time with friends. I don't feel rushed or pressured to fight for myself, I can take a deep breath and think about going back to school. Psychology? Life is at an easy pace right now--I get to focus on the things I wanted to explore in France. The less tangible things. Friendships, feelings, puppies. Art, music, films, books. I dunno, it's like I'm now exploring the US culture.

I really missed being a happy and positive person. Babson gets it in your head that you have to become "successful" overnight. You think you'd be disappointed in your life, should you get hit by a bus tomorrow. But sometimes being most productive means finding a routine that makes you feel at peace at the end of every night just knowing that you're still working towards making yourself a better person. You can find a challenge anywhere. I guess I just like determining for myself in what area I'd like to grow. I don't enjoy negotiations and I don't want to resent the lessons I learn.

I prefer to surround myself with people who respond appreciatively to a giving person. People who say thank you. I'm often told I need to cut people out of my life, but I won't change my mind how I feel about that. You 'cut weeds' to let other organisms thrive, but people aren't weeds. Talking to a weed won't take away your sunlight, but denying one will definitely steal his. By the time you have the resources to give, you shouldn't lack the heart. I'm done with the cryptic words for now. I felt the need to update this blog, just for myself, probably for the last time. I don't think it'll stay around much longer. Sometimes 'goodbye for now' is the best way to keep things right with others. Or maybe just our former selves.

March Madness... well not really

I've been living in an apartment outside of Paris now for over a month with a native French girl. Babysitting to get by. Not that I've been doing a stand-up job of getting by. I've been letting the disappointments of the past 6 months get to me and bog me down. I couldn't imagine playing this employment game in the states right now. A friend of mine who I've met in Paris has moved in for a while. She's from Manchester (not CT) and has her own slave labor, I mean... au pair, horror story. The arrangement is mutually beneficial, but she never remembers to turn off the light when she leaves a room. ; )
I've been getting some writing done! It's a bit weird and nice and tough on me to try to pull myself back in time to when the story takes place. It's getting clearer and clearer to me when something works and when it doesn't. Lately I've been focused on getting the pace right--the first chapter is proving difficult to slow down, because I'm being uber picky about the content I put into it so early on into the novel. I'm planning to write this as a practice book. A test to see if I can get it done in close to a year and to dissect my writing process.
I'll keep it at that for now and two happy updates. My mother and kid sister are coming to visit during the middle of March! yay! That's sweet. They aren't bringing Loco, but I'm sure they will bring some familiar happiness. We might go to Switzerland. The other cool news is the visit of a friend for the beginning of April. It's gonna be awesome to get to show my side of Paris to someone I know who I'm not related to. There are also lots of touristy things that I haven't gotten around to doing yet. The next month or so will be good excuse to get some of that out of the way and feel more accomplished in museumy, cathedrally, monumentally French culture.
p.s. I don't have a converter to charge my camera. So no pictures. I'm going through one hell of a withdrawal.

2010 is here

I've been doing a really stupid thing lately... I've been thinking. I've been doing an awful lot of thinking lately, and I haven't been writing down my thoughts. I haven't been asking my own writing process to help me work things out. And I'm not going to attempt to do that right now. Here, is just a good place to start. How about an update of where I've been these last two months?

Since the last time I wrote a post, I left the family that was hosting me an hour outside the city. Saying that things did not end on good terms would be an understatement. They did not take the news that I had found another position well, even though it should not have come as a shock to them after knowing I was very unhappy. I was not allowed my privacy, autonomy, or respect, and the only regret I have for leaving will be not to see the troublesome trio again.



I got an offer from a woman who lives in the 2e in Paris, which is the smallest neighborhood in Paris, in a very central location, and houses the Bourse (stock exchange building). For about a month I lived with the family and cared for two twin girls who are almost two years old. But from an offer that seemed too good to be true, came disappointment once again. I found myself in another home that was unequipped to allow me time and space. At least respected this time, I was able to leave on better terms, the family understanding that I am not in France to work 80-hour-weeks.

Of course, I had to ask myself if the problem was all mine. Am I expecting too much? Am I just being a brat? But the number of other Au pairs who found "happy" families... have dwindled. Broken promises, devil children, physical threats. I'm sorry, but this is just an unnatural situation to force upon someone hoping to expand her world. A woman is told to give up her country, her family, her friends, and so much more in order to care for a false family, mind, body and soul. And if I am going to be in Paris, I refuse to be wasting my time working all day--I could do that in the States for a lot more money.



At this point in my life, I'm trying to grow. I'm trying to learn French. I'm taking my first international baby step. Granted, I now have many stories to tell, but they read more like a comic routine than an adventure. I am very capable of helping people--I read very well what it is that others need. But I'd rather be helping in Haiti than working for people who I know I'll be leaving in a short year. If I were seeing Paris and reading and writing and learning, I'd be saying very different things. But after all this, I'm ruling out the Au pair life, no third strike necessary.



And so I have learned something, and I guess I've grown. I found someone looking for a flatmate right outside of Paris. I found a regular babysitting job where I don't have to sleep overnight or call home if I'll be late for dinner. Yes, I'm a little worried about making rent each month, but I have tons of time to find clients for giving English lessons. I have a bed of my own and no curfew. I can sleep when I choose, host family from the States, get updates from friends around the world, and feel less obliged to miraculously read the minds of my housemates.



I hope to stay here for another year from now. The location is great, and so is my new flatmate. Things are a bit scattered at the moment, but once I get a routine, I can tell that time will start to move very quickly. I have to keep reminding myself that if I want to be a person capable of helping others, patience is key. I need to be able to take care of myself, represent myself, and learn from my mistakes. I should be able to learn French in this year. I need to get things on paper. Set goals and accomplish them. I have to keep reminding myself this--that I'm here for good reasons, even though there are wonderful things going on with friends and family back home that I am sorry to miss.

Alrighty then.

What can I say? I am still loving Paris. Meeting some new people, connecting quickly with friends, sort of learning the language. Films, museums, bars, cafes. Wine. What else I can say is that sometimes, we need to trust our instincts much earlier. For quite a while now, I've recognized that I'm not in the most ideal living situation. At first it was, "the kids are just testing me." Then it was, "the parents just don't realize they're asking unreasonable things." And finally it's, "I will never consider you an equal because you work for me." Et c'est charrie--that's going too far (really bad translation).

I can't be both a member of a family and an employee when treated like a child and a subordinate. I can't work for someone who treats me as an inferior and expects me to be OK with that, let alone live with that person. My job is to care for the kids, who will never behave for me if they know their parent looks down on me. Conflict management suggests that we also can't begin to solve this problem until I can communicate with this person as an equal. At first I thought it was just me adjusting. Then I thought it was about communicating better. But the true problem is not my fault--the family is not ready for an Au pair.

So I'm trying to find a family that is welcoming and professional. And perhaps find myself somewhere that is not the only remaining household in France that supports Sarkozy? Just a thought. I've considered becoming a bum on the street, selling crocheted hats and giving English lessons for 20 Euro an hour. But alas, winter is coming. And I still have some faith that this "cultural exchange" can work. I know many girls who are happy with the families they found.

I'm looking this time around for a family in Paris; I could easily teach English lessons to regular clients, I wouldn't have to ride the train for an hour on the weekend, and I could even go to the movies on weekday nights. I'm also looking for a family that will put me up in my own studio; I am just too old to have a curfew or be told when to clean my room, I feel like I haven't been spending any time to myself (or time writing), and it'd be nice not to feel like a couch-surfer in order to stay overnight in the city. Having my own space would also create some necessary boundaries when it comes to the hours that I'm expected to work.

The search is slow-going, but I'm trying to be uber positive. So here are a couple pictures of some things that haven't totally sucked. A familiar face, beautiful sights, and new friends.


Sarah and Meghan trying not to get lost near the Notre-Dame.


The carousel from Amelie at Montmartre with the Sacre-Coeur in the background.


A view of the Eiffel Tower near sunset from the Montmartre.


Meeting new friends and hanging on the River Seine.



Rain and maps. Yeah. That's very Paris.


Some Halloweenish activity.


Heck yeah, water lilies.


"Dude... those are cymbals! They're real! Can we throw things at them?"


The Eiffel Tower lit in bleu for its anniversary.


Sure they're bad, but I still kinda like them sometimes.

deux semaines

i guess it's been two weeks since i last posted anything. i think the initial shock and awe of being in france, and even the part where paris is breath-taking, has worn off. i find myself frustrated beyond reason at the tourists, even though i haven't even covered all the touristy places yet. i'm finding myself enjoying the process of learning french and not feeling as overwhelmed as before. and the kids are slowly, slowly, very slowly accepting the circumstances--and dare i say, growing and learning. however, i'm starting to recognize that ten months is no time at all, and i've let a fifth of that time go by without thinking very smartly about the next 8 months or about the future beyond that.

i came into this knowing how i want to grow. it's not my work ethic, it's not my finances, it's not my heart that i want to expand. i want to learn the language, face my fears, and explore new experiences. i know how to impress employers and improve relationships and impersonate the status-quo. i can solve problems and read people and actively press the system. i'm good with kids and good at providing what other people need, especially emotionally, but now i need to keep remarking on revelations that will move me forward. i don't want the same thing in a different country. i don't want attachments. i want...

something... "similar à feux d'artifice s'épanouit à travers les étoiles." i don't want delicate negotiations. i want bold and mighty forces and fearless exploration. i want moments with others as serene as the view alone. i want wild things and dreams and romance that has little to do with love and love that has everything to do with romance. i want really fulfilling fluff for one year...

gauche main...

This is what I do for my French homework after a long day:

Regarde! C'est Barack Obama! Il est le President de l'États-Unis. Son père habita à Kenya et il s'appelle Barack Obama I. Obama deuxiem est le premier President Africain-Americain. Son gauche main est dominant comme Florance. Barack Obama; vous etes très beau!

It was a good day. Woke up, got the little one ready for English school and dropped him off with only one "Go away!" tantrum, and took the big one to a second-hand market and the library. This was good because I basically got to spend 20 Euros of her mother's money on her--serious bonding. She and I had lunch together, and I sent her off with her ride to English school. Then I read 'The Gruffalo' to the little one twice while he was cuddly, and after he actually invited me into his "house"! This is a big deal. It also meant climbing a tree (his house). Sweet.

I did some writing in "Sherwood Forest" after I walked the middle one and his friend home while they played over the friend's house. (I know that last sentence is hard to follow, but it's not important where whose friend was when. Haha.) Writing a bit of fiction again felt good. I raced the middle one to the car, drove him to his sports, got my ATM card at the bank, and picked up the big one at English school. Then I buried a dead bulb with the little one, who thought it was an onion until I taught him better. He was disappointed it didn't grow as soon as he dumped some water on it. Thennnnn I helped the big one write, design, print, and cut out some Birthday invitations.

Next, I convinced the little one to let me help him out of his bath and put on his pajamas and was quizzed at dinner on my French numbers. I read some more to the little one while the middle one read 'Robin Hood' with his mother and the big one practiced her conjugations and multiplication tables with her father. Finally, I brainstormed for my French homework, and here I am having completed it! Ten at night, and I might just go to bed now...

Parler

French Conjugation of the day: Parler (To speak; present tense)!

je parle (I speak)
tu parles (You speak)
il/elle parle (He/She speaks)
nous parlons (We speak)
vous parlez (You [all] speak)
ils/elles parlent (They speak)