lundi, lundi, lundi

Today was a Monday if there ever was one. It was my first day of French class, and it felt like the first day of school all over again. OK, not really. Just slightly. I'm proud of myself for bringing a journal and a pen... and taking a shower. In Europe, you can wear clothes two days in a row, and blowing water every day on a shower just feels selfish. And the washing machines are small. Now, I know it's not bathing in salt water, suffering through cold showers, or washing from a bucket, but it feels nice to be in a place where the standards are different.

Class went well. There are two other au pairs in the group and six wives of ex-pats (though one was absent). No men. My teacher's name is Florence. It was a very easy first day, but there are a few other women who seem like they'll help push the pace along. Countries represented: Canada, USA, Holland, Finland, Scotland, Ireland, The UK, and Turkey ought to be there Thursday. I'm trying to remind myself that learning French is my most major goal for the year. I feel guilty whenever I use English.

I was going to have a picnic in the town center, but I sort of let all the air out of the bike tire and couldn't get the air pump to work. This was frustrating because I've used an air pump plenty of times before--I blame it on this little strange piece of metal that sticks out of the nob-hole on the tire. My bike at home does not have this.I couldn't find French music videos today, but Friends was on in French, so I watched some of that while I ate my "picnic". I didn't want to risk being late to get the kids, so I'll save the trip into town for a day when I don't spend an hour fussing around with the bike tire.

The kids were tres, tres mal today. Tres. The little one wanted his mother after school and screamed all the way home. The two others were good for about 30 minutes--then homework started. From 5:30 to 7:45, they did their homework, complaining all the way. Did they have 2 hours-worth of homework? Nuh uh. I started dinner late, burned it slightly, and barely had any of my own before heading out the door for my danse class, late. Danse class, you ask? OUI!

This, I fully enjoyed. I couldn't understand a word that was said, but I followed along well-enough. The music was good, the teacher was friendly and helpful, and the other girls were giggly and thankfully not super professional or anything. What I'll lack in technique since I haven't taken a class in a while, I'll make up for in style and attitude. Some girls had none. The steps loosened me up, weren't too difficult to catch, and were easy to funk up a little bit. Of course, I might feel differently tomorrow when I find out which muscles I've pulled.

But oh, how I missed structured dance classes! It will be worth being broke. Haha, get it? Broke. Monetarily or otherwise. Gee, that was a Monday-rated joke, eh? Those kids better be good tomorrow. Or I'll have to get my Tuesday on them. Mondays are somehow both fresh and lame, but Tuesdays are for the blues. I don't know. I'm making stuff up now. I need to read a French lullaby and go to bed. Bon-nuit!

Une Bon Jour

Today was a good day. I woke up and looked over at the clock on my nightstand. One o'clock? As I love sleeping til all hours of the afternoon, I figured this was very possible. Then I realized I had missed the boat on going to church with the family like I said I would. I forgot to set the alarm. Then a small child knocked on my door and asked me if I'd like to attend the English-speaking church with them. "Hmmm. What time are we going?" "I do-en't know." "Yeah, sure. I'll just get ready."

Turns out, it was ten in the morning--my clock was wrong. I attended church but didn't sing or take commune. I'm pretty sure that the people in attendance at this church had the best singing voices in all of France. I sat next to this cool old dude with an awesome low voice and a lady with a really nice high voice who actually knew how all the hymns went. The church was right near a castle that had sold its grounds for incredible houses to be built in their place. I think that's where the Real World house was. Probably not.

I won't get into how I feel about religion, but I'm proud that I'm at a place now where I'm comfortable going to a church service. I get some good thinking done, and of course the singing is just plain therapeutic. I share something with the family and meet a community of people. I'm pretty sure I also get some good karma points for going.

Then we had lunch, I did some reading on Vegetarianism, I played with children, and then I drove over to St. Nom for the annual um... yard sale. The main street in the center of town was completely blocked off from one end to the other with tables of people's old French stuff. St. Nom has a reputation of affluence (the town refuses to build low-income housing like they're supposed to), so people come from all over to buy and sell old stuff. There were traveling creperies and a merry-go-round. Books, shoes, purses, type-writers, records, cups, pens, furniture, trinkets, doo-dads, buttons, an old hand grenade, jewelery, hand-made journals, etc. etc. etc.

I don't think there could ever be any single better way to get an idea of the inside lives of French people than to walk around this fair for a few hours. I spent a euro total on five French books (was told by my French father that I "should have bargained!") from this young couple who likely just got out of university, wanting to get rid of the memory of Kant, and luckily spoke wonderful English. I now wish I had asked them to be my friends.

But anyway, I came back and had tea, did some more playing, worked on some French-learnin, had black olive, artichoke, tuna, and red pepper pizza for dinner, read the children their night-time stories, finally got in a much-needed conversation with Krista, and headed upstairs for bed. I think I'll read my tarot cards, try to read a story called "pour tous les soirs" (for every night), and go to bed. I am so excited--my French classes start tomorrow morning! Bon-nuit!!

A few pictures

2010 is going to be the best year ever

Last night I had another confusing dream. Not a bad one or a nightmare, but it was wild. I didn't like it. Tonight, I think I'll go to bed early--I've been up long enough.

This afternoon, someone hit the back corner of my car while it was parked on the side of the road. Now, I know that my horoscope for the year only included three "decent" months and no really good ones, but at this point I'm thinking that next year owes me big time. I can't seem to recall any major karmic disaster I've committed recently. I'm trying to enjoy this phenomenal place, ok? I think I'm being a good sport about it all, and I want this blog to be a positive thing--however, the inspiration and beauty can only flow from a muse, my words aren't as wonderful when they stem from woes.

I know I can't just sit here, waiting, waiting, waiting for the adjustment period to pass, for happy things to start settling in, for the delays in quiet fulfillment to subside. Everything that happens TO me won't always seem like an interruption of this blissful love affair I'm trying to have with the Île-de-France (or the Région Parisienne). Maybe the problem is I don't feel bad enough--that I should feel kicked to the curb instead of just irked and annoyed. Is that why I took that acting class? To start acting sad enough that people take pity on me? ew! Kerouac's journey is taking a mad zooming turn for the better in the book I'm working on--I think I'll just keep reading.

You know what. I've kept most of this week's upsets to myself; that is, I haven't told the family. I'm always so afraid of complaining too much that I don't think I share the right worries or confessions with the right people. That's how I'll be proactive--I will open myself a bit more to the people who've opened their house to me. Without acting. Without expectations. Keeping it in doesn't make me stronger around here. I feel good about this decision. Bonnuit.

worstmare

so my nightmare. there was a serial rapist/murderer loose in the babson area. and bodies were buried everywhere, so the grass panels had to be taken up in rows in order to see the skulls sticking up. it wasn't safe to sleep anywhere and it turned into mass chaos, people switching rooms daily to throw the rapist off the scent. i don't know why they didn't close the school. there were numerous deaths every night. this went on for most of the dream. the worst feeling of loss and terror. so it turned out that the girls in sigma kappa were helping to let the killer into dorms in the night. and those brats (no offense, i'm just jealous of this next part) had a ballroom-sized room for fabulous shoes! k. that was the worst part.

so i'm in bryant, and the killer is let in by the sorority girls, and it turns out to be these two guys from my acting class. one of whom played the part of a psychotic homicidal/suicidal maniac in his final scene for class. and because i don't think they were the bad guys, they convince me to run away from the "killer" with them through the maze-like dorm. and i hide in a closet and then they evilly turn on me. and i don't remember but probably i end up killing them because that's always what happens in my bad dreams. i kill people. and the moral of the story is that babson feels traumatized at the end of the dream and will never be the same... even though at one point, i'm pretty sure i was ducking under some lacy throw pillows while a parade was going on outside the white-wood, thin-framed, ceiling-high windows.

normally when i have a bad dream, it's not actually a nightmare. my nightmares (usually when chasing and knives are involved) are actually kinda humorous, or at least not convincing. but the tone of this one was daunting. they can happen at any time and i usually don't know where they come from. they're more curious than worrisome. and my bad dreams usually consist of me killing people and strange, strange oddities. these, i've recently been all too aware of their patterns of occurrence. i think this was the first time, in as long as i've defined nightmares this way, since i had a bad dream and a nightmare in one. i did not like it. i was actually scared. not cool.

la vie est étrange

i have the word sourire written on my hand right now. it means smile. i'm finding that i have to remind myself to be healthy, more so to think healthy. i feel great in france, alive, unafraid--it hasn't been two weeks and i feel i've championed the paris metro. and after five years of boston, i couldn't tell you where i am at any given time. everything i see is serenity screaming to be put on film--angels in angles and flower pots against the sky. reason enough to smile, right?

i had the world's easiest Dr's appointment today. cheap, too. i've always had good blood pressure--i am an accomplished meditator. i let passion take me on rants when i need to, and i'm able to hold my tongue if i haven't been into the wine. and when my mind's confused, i write. but first i get the round-table opinions from the court, my circle of friends. these days, that circle is geographically gigantic. on my mind at present is how closed that ring just might be.

i'm not in the mood for tough and dramatic means of letting people into my life. living in the green tower at babson was easy--boys are easy friends. coming back to bristol was easy--i knew exactly who i trust with my heart and everyone else, well i'd just be leaving. but here, i feel, is a constant audition that works both ways. little things mean so much more when you're not yet sure what the rules are. while big deals and big distances mean less and less worry with those you love.

this current circumference means getting slow feedback, so i'm either going to have to add some points on the curve closer to paris or start deciding for myself how i feel about things and how to act. considering my hesitation to force friendships here, maybe i'll go with my instincts to enjoy france within my lonesome self. i'm enough company for myself when i'm surrounded in familiarity--this shouldn't be so difficult.

this is why writing helps me--it allows me to hear how ridiculous it sounds to ponder and opine such indeterminable circumstances. all i can do is smile at myself and remember to capture lovely moments and memories on paper, on film, on the palm of my hand--my étrange heart.

Francais

Since I've last written, not too much has happened--I've spent a few days with two of the kids while the middle child was at his Grandparents'. We've done more driving so I know where things are around town, we've done lots of playing, we've done some crying (well not me... yet), we've been for a walk, we've made some button bracelets, and we've been getting ready for the beginning of the school year. I've been introduced to true Bollywood (Slumdog Millionaire is NOT appreciated by Bollywood standards), Lazy Town (a "very" British kids show, I'd say a mix between Sesame Street and Clone High with Jim Carey thrown in there), and Mr. Bean (which I have to admit is much funnier than the previews for the movies give it credit). Oh, and I played some Wii the other day with real French teenagers.

It took the two older kids a grand total of three days before they threw the L word at me, and it took the little one four days. He runs hot and cold but is super sweet and cuddly when he feels like being friendly. I'm pretty sure the oldest said it because she wants me 'on her side'--she seems to think I'm not here to look after/play with the others, just her. She has some wonderful qualities as well, of course. She's crafty, artistic, and smart; she patiently cares to explain things to me and to take care of her brothers. I think the tensions are higher with school just around the corner, but I think I'm going to be grateful that she's as old and mature as she is--I have someone to share interests with, to gossip about the boys in her class, and to teach the lessons of life. The middle child wears his heart on his sleeve and is utterly embarrassed by the fact. We click without having to say much. Mostly, I don't think he understands a word I say. I have to keep reminding myself not to laugh with him while he torments his siblings.

At the dinner table I was quizzed a bit on my French, and now that the little one is in the habit of speaking more English on his own, I think this will be a regular activity. I didn't do very well. At this rate, I'll be able to read French without being able to speak any of it! I can't wait for classes to start, but to be honest, I doubt any teacher will be better than the youngest in the family. I don't have to be afraid of sounding like an idiot around him, he makes me repeat myself until I get it right, he clearly exibits his frustrations with me, and he grabs my face and pulls my mouth in the right shape if I don't get it right after a while. But he never gets mad--he just thinks I'm funny. I also go over conjugations with the oldest and try to listen intently when people are conversing in French, which feels strangely intrusive.

Our schedule is coming together now, slowly. I won't have to wake up early except for on Thursdays and whenever my French classes are. Saturday we're going to check out what other activities are available--I think I want to take a weekly dance class. Fridays I think I'll have off. In my free time, I've been watching How I Met Your Mother, translating my book on Paris, and reading Kerouac. I have lots of coffee dates to set up with other au pairs. Did I mention how the center of town is the MOST ADORABLE neighborhood I have ever seen in my life?! I can't wait to have an afternoon's walk into town to take some pictures. I'll be going to the Swiss Embassy on Tuesday morning, so I think I'll probably just make one trip to Paris this weekend--Sunday, I think, to try to visit the Louvre for free. Still super excited to be here--just getting down to business a bit more now. And I might pick up a British accent...