la vie est étrange

i have the word sourire written on my hand right now. it means smile. i'm finding that i have to remind myself to be healthy, more so to think healthy. i feel great in france, alive, unafraid--it hasn't been two weeks and i feel i've championed the paris metro. and after five years of boston, i couldn't tell you where i am at any given time. everything i see is serenity screaming to be put on film--angels in angles and flower pots against the sky. reason enough to smile, right?

i had the world's easiest Dr's appointment today. cheap, too. i've always had good blood pressure--i am an accomplished meditator. i let passion take me on rants when i need to, and i'm able to hold my tongue if i haven't been into the wine. and when my mind's confused, i write. but first i get the round-table opinions from the court, my circle of friends. these days, that circle is geographically gigantic. on my mind at present is how closed that ring just might be.

i'm not in the mood for tough and dramatic means of letting people into my life. living in the green tower at babson was easy--boys are easy friends. coming back to bristol was easy--i knew exactly who i trust with my heart and everyone else, well i'd just be leaving. but here, i feel, is a constant audition that works both ways. little things mean so much more when you're not yet sure what the rules are. while big deals and big distances mean less and less worry with those you love.

this current circumference means getting slow feedback, so i'm either going to have to add some points on the curve closer to paris or start deciding for myself how i feel about things and how to act. considering my hesitation to force friendships here, maybe i'll go with my instincts to enjoy france within my lonesome self. i'm enough company for myself when i'm surrounded in familiarity--this shouldn't be so difficult.

this is why writing helps me--it allows me to hear how ridiculous it sounds to ponder and opine such indeterminable circumstances. all i can do is smile at myself and remember to capture lovely moments and memories on paper, on film, on the palm of my hand--my étrange heart.